(Update:22 June 2020:
I have made a video for this post, you can watch it here.
Or.. you can read the post. )
I am a strong person and a hardcore optimist, i should thank my parents for the genetics, the way they brought me up and for setting an example. Still i was broken by the loss my child. In this post, i have shared briefly how i am healing from that tragedy.
Travelling , meditating, reading
After i lost my baby of 24 days on 20th march 2017, initially i couldn’t believe that he is no more with us.
My husband said “we will leave the city and go out for a while as it’s suffocating here”. So the next day itself we went out of town. We went to Mangalore, Gokarna and then Bangalore. We travelled a lot for 10 days.
From Mangalore to Gokarna we went by car. The whole trip, we were soothed by the beautiful nature that was passing by.
We were talking non stop about everything. In between i used to burst into crying.
Days were somehow passing. But i couldn’t close my eyes during nights. I didn’t sleep properly for many nights.
Something inside me told about spirit babies. I purchased many books on spirit babies and started reading all through days and nights. I searched on the net and read many real life experiences shared by the parents. This helped me.
We both started meditating together holding each other’s hands. It gave both of us strength. We continued meditation for few months.
I was always thinking about my son Agastya and how i used to sing for him, how i used to hold his hands, how he used to respond to my voice. When he was in my womb, i used to sing this particular lullaby. He used to respond by kicking my womb. After he was born, he used to respond very quickly by moving his hands and legs for the same lullaby.
After 10 days we came back to our place. While returning, in Bangalore airport, i was in the washroom, i felt something extra ordinary, i felt something peaceful within me, i felt that my son is near me. I don’t know what exactly happened, but after that i got more strength. I felt a deeper connection with him.
On April 18th 2017 after midnight, i was not fully asleep, i turned to one side of the pillow. There, sitting beside me i saw a small boy of around 2 years, all radiant with bright smile, he was so pristine, so pure, he had big bright kind eyes. He was wearing a big cowboy hat.He was looking at me smiling. He was there for less than a minute. I knew he was Agastya, my son came in this form to assure me , he is with me always. It felt wonderful. Next morning i felt different energy in me. I was hopeful.
After few days, again i saw the same boy, in the afternoon i think, he just ran in front of me like a cool breeze. This time he was wearing a frock and the same smile. After this, i could sleep in the nights.
Baking and Cooking
As I had cesarean operation, my mother used to insist i take rest. But after a month, i felt like baking. So started baking variety of cookies, cakes, breads. I didn’t feel like eating. Everyone at home used to like what i baked. This process of baking soothed me, it was like a therapy for me. I also cooked different recipes.
Kundan work and Knitting
I started doing kundan work. I made a vase, Venkateshwara. I was always good at knitting. So started knitting a shawl. All this was helping me in healing.
Photography, blogging and gardening
I like to take photographs – mainly nature and myself 🙂 I did gardening also. These to also contributed for keeping me sane.
Blogging is also a blissful experience. I started blogging and reading other blogs.
Since my childhood i wanted to become a psychiatrist or a psychologist. As i grew up my passion about mathematics made me choose engineering. Now i felt like studying psychology. Three months had passed after my son, i registered to MA in psychology in June. Reading and writing assignments, is bringing me satisfaction. This is also healing me.
Paapu & Gunda
Ashwin loves turtles. He insisted that we adopt turtles. So on dec 14th 2017 we brought these 2 tiny red eared slider turtles. We named them Paapu and Gunda. I used to call my son by these nick names. These turtles are major reason for my sanity. They are my babies. They helped me channelise my motherly affection.
In November i attended a week long intensive meditation workshop, which helped me a lot. The way the workshop was designed, helped me in relieving my grief to some extent. Again in December we both attended “Deep memory healing and transformation” workshop. These workshops helped me in exploring my spirituality in depth and to take it to another level.
I wanted to extend our home, to construct the next floor, after my delivery while i was pregnant. But because of this unfortunate event. We didn’t do that. After 1 year, in march 2018, again i felt like we should build. I am always excited to plan and design. Before my marriage, I built a bungalow and i had thoroughly enjoyed the whole process. I always loved it.
So i am now actively participating in the construction in every step. The plan, design, what kind of floor, wall painting, the garden. Since couple of months this is also healing me and giving me new hopes.
I have always set goals. If there is no direction in my life i get depressed. I need something to look forward to the following morning. Before sleeping, i need something to do after i get up, something i love. My present goals which are keeping me inspired are:
1. A hope that one day a child will complete our family.
2. To become a Psychologist.
3. I have finished 2 levels of reiki. Now i want to learn next levels and become a reiki master. May be some day open my own reiki centre.
Presently, i have moved forward from how i was last year. I cried a lot for 1 year. Since few days i am not crying that much. I can’t say that my grief is fully gone. It will always remain till my last breath. Because nothing can fill the void created by loved ones’ loss. The healing is an on going process. It will continue.
All the while, throughout, i received many messages from my son, and many signs indicating he is taking care of me from above, that he is constantly with me in spirit. That has given me so much of strength and helped me a lot in healing. I love you my dear sweetheart my love, Paapu. I love you so much always ❤️ And i am waiting eagerly for you to come back to us as our child again.